silence & motion

Baby's black balloon makes her fly
I almost fell into that hole in your life
And you're not thinking about tomorrow
'Cause you were the same as me
But on your knees

A thousand other boys could never reach you
How could I have been the one
I saw the world spin beneath you
And scatter like ice from the spoon
That was your womb

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Or are you someone's prayer

You know the lies they always told you
And the love you never knew
What's the things they never showed you
That swallowed the light from the sun
Inside your room

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Or are you someone's prayer

And there's no time left for losin'
When you stand they fall

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder

All because I'm
Comin' down the years turn over
And angels fall without you there
And I'll go and lead you home and
All because I'm
All because I'm
And I'll become
What you became to me

Time to use the Hanafuda March theme again! :] I seriously love this theme. It's so beautiful, and it's my birthday month too!

I actually can't believe it's been like a year and half since I've started writing here. With LJ, you can really feel the time, but for some reason the seasons fly here. Maybe it's because I don't write often...

...flaming hypocrite. I've come to realize that even though I tend not to be an academic elitist most of the time, when it comes to my own relationships and friendships, I am quite a social elitist. Of course I try to accept everyone and their faults but when push comes to shove my own sensitivity gets in the way of me forming strong relationships. When something someone says touches the wrong nerve, I can literally feel myself retreating, setting up a barrier (complete with moat and man-eating crocodiles) and being silent. I hate being passive but at the same time, if I were to voice my discomfort, people would most likely tell me to STFU and move on, as they've done in the past.

Argh.

A 2007 survey!

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?

Saw my life as it really, truly was...at least, to the best of my knowledge. I saw my life as I would like to live it in the future, and assessed what happened in the past. Before, I used to have to convince myself that certain things happened for certain reasons, but this year I was surprisingly honest to myself about a number of things and the feeling is really quite refreshing. Many people seem to think that with a life plan there comes some obligatory sense of hopelessness, of monotony; I happen to think the opposite. Knowing what one wants to do with one's life, to me, is making room for what one thinks one MIGHT want to do with one's life. It's a good feeling. For me at least.

On a less abstract note, I got my license! I opened my own bank account! I also lived on my own :)

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I kept a few...one was to have a better relationship with my parents, and I'm very glad I was able to achieve that one. I think I'm always going to be somewhat afraid of telling them certain things, but I'm definitely no longer afraid ENOUGH to not tell them, period. Everything takes time, though. My resolution to get my grades up and work harder was also accomplished, though of course I still need to keep that resolution up this year and for a few years after that.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No.

5. What countries did you visit?

None, sadly...

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

No failed friendships! Sad, but true. I really only had one messy falling out with a friend in 2007, but that's still one too many.

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Any genuinely good times with those I love.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Getting into my first choice university in my first choice major. That was beautiful in itself, of course, but I also made it into the Honors program there! And then after first semester I made Dean's List :) It's been a very tough year academically but in the end I'm glad I got to where I wanted to be. I always want to keep improving though.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I am still a constant victim of wishful thinking. I no longer need to lie to myself about things but I still cannot help being foolishly optimistic sometimes and hoping that things will work out for the best when they clearly have no chance of doing so. This tendency to over-believe presented itself in the worst possible way towards the end of the summer, when I stopped being friends with someone I knew for a long time. Although I wasn't necessarily at fault, I can't help but feel that if it were not for my unrealistically high expectations and sense of attachment, that friendship would have not gone down in flames. I also still love a guy I told myself I'd stop loving about three years ago, so yeah. That will always just be the chink in my already-dented armor.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Not really.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I love my new HP laptop! I also bought some nice shoes this year :)

14. Where did most of your money go?

(I wonder where 12 and 13 went) Towards buying supplies for college! Dorm stuff, new clothes, new school stuff...

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

College, needless to say! :)

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

Rihanna's "Umbrella"; Gym Class Heroes' "Cupid's Chokehold".

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or sadder? Sadder, I'd say, even though I'm not extremely torn up or anything. Just natural stress from college.
Older or wiser? Wiser.
Thinner or fatter? Fatter :(
Richer or poorer? Richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Exercised more! During those times when I was napping I probably should've just dragged myself to the gym. Also, I wish I had been more assertive at times.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Procrastinating...

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I spent Christmas with my family!

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?

I stayed in love.

23. How many one-night stands?

0! How tacky :P

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Pushing Daisies! The plot and characters are so delightful.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

I don't hate anyone, really; rather, I dislike someone I didn't this time last year.

26. What was the best book you read?

Probably "Death of a Salesman", though it was a play. I also liked "The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane" very, very much so. Thanks, Noah!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I re-discovered Miyavi :) New music? Probably The Hush Sound.

28. What did you want and get?

A new laptop! Good grades...a good job (tutoring, though I quit when I graduated high school in June).

29. What did you want and not get?

THE ABILITY TO OWN EVERY SINGLE BIO CONCEPT THROWN AT ME. :(

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

Everything was so-so this year. No real favorites.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 17 this year rather quietly. I just had a family dinner.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A 4.0 :P

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

A lot fewer jeans & t-shirts, a lot more J. Crew Chinos and (peep-toe) flats. :P And headbands! Lots and lots of headbands.

34. What kept you sane?

Family & friends, music, reading, food! :D

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I have a ridiculous crush on Ewan McGregor.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

How Middle Eastern violence seemed to increase exponentially all the time. Bombs in schools? Marketplaces? Devastating.

37. Who did you miss?

What's-his-face.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Pretty much everyone in college, but I'm particularly very grateful for Catherine, whom I seemed to click with right away upon coming to UOP :) I'm also glad to have met my roommate Christine as well as Noah and Brian. It's only been a few months, but these people never fail to bring the lulz.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:

Just be yourself. It's a very cliche thing to say but honestly? You'll like yourself so much more and feel so much more relaxed when you don't have to constantly put up a front. It's a wonderfully liberating feeling.

It's been a little while since I've written anything here...now that I successfully survived first semester, I should probably be returning from hiatus on Livejournal. The problem is, so much has happened. For some (silly) reason, I feel inclined to report the details, both academic and otherwise, of events that have taken place these past four months but I just lack the energy to. I remember the days where there was little I was willing to hide from LJ (and rightly so; I've made so many great friendships there), but lately I just feel so tired. I don't want to go back because it feels like the blog that I've called home for the past three and a half years has changed. That people have changed and mostly because I myself have changed. I don't want to glaze over what's happened but I don't want to talk about it either. I miss it and yet I could live without it.

Listen to me talking about a social networking site in such a way. Ridiculous.

Moving on, much HAS happened. For the first time in my life I've been pushed beyond my limits; not merely to them. I've worked hard and see it somehow manage to NOT pay off...I can't quite describe it. College is a universe all on its own. I've never been around such a driven group of people before; never seen the face of competition this intensely before. I know what I want and I know what I need to do to get there, but sometimes I feel myself moving farther and farther away from the image of the person I'd like to become. I don't know if it's whether I set unrealistic goals for myself or that I simply lack the ability to achieve those goals. I want to be academically successful but I also want to have friends again; TRUE friends. High school, as fun as it was, was not without its arguments and falling outs and hurt feelings. Somewhere in between needing to study all the time and getting to know an entirely new set of people (and, at the same time, opening up yet again to new people) and just trying to get enough sleep, I feel like I can't do anything wholeheartedly. The most social times of my life had been when my grades were not so hot; the most academically successful times of my life had been when I could count all my true friends on one hand. I suppose one really can't have everything.

On the subject of friends...I'm witnessing, yet again, that my tragic flaw--attachment--never fails to present itself, no matter how many times I tell myself that I'm going to change. I become too easily attached far too quickly, and the repercussions are often more than I can handle. Even though I have my fair share of failed friendships and one still very broken and very heavy heart, I continue to lunge forward into new friendships without being aware of anything. Without paying attention to things that those who have been hurt in the past are usually vigilant of. I think I come off too strongly most of the time. I don't even know what I look for in friendships anymore. A confidante? A partner-in-crime? A companion to past the time with? A shoulder to cry on? All of the above? I wouldn't exactly consider myself extroverted, but I'm definitely not as introverted as I should be.

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore so I'm going to end it here. Maybe some more ~sekrits~ some other time.

To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is the bad dream.

...because I have ADD and cannot study :(

What Kind of Guy Will You Fall For?
	You would fall for the geek. If you're looking for love, consider spending a little more time studying up in the library.  To you, there's nothing more attractive than intelligence, shyness, and kindness; your future love may have four eyes and zero social skills, but he'll make up for it in brains and heart.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

What City Should You Live In?
	You should live in New York City. America's largest city will ensure that you will blend into the crowd.  You are the brooding type--introspective, creative, and eccentric--and NYC's cutting-edge, individualistic culture and ambience will appeal to you.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

...well duh! XD

....to take dumb quizzes, apparently!

Which Disney Princess Are You?
	You are Belle. You are strong, deep, and you are not a slave to petty superficial things. You are independent and allow yourself to see inner beauty without sacrificing your values. You are almost too good of a person.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

(I was expecting Jasmine...)

Which College Major Should You Be?
	Your major should be Engineering. Logic is your friend. With enough work, you can find a solution to anything... Unless it involves dating or parties.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

(Uh yeah, no thanks.)

What Type of Movie Would Your Life Be?
	Your life would be a Drama. You're rich in feeling and emotion.  You constantly play life out in your mind, imagining the "ifs, ands, or buts." You constantly feel like the world is your audience, which might inevitably affect your sanity! While your passion is endearing, the over-dramatics may grow a bit too intense after a while.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

(Lol, no kidding!)

Stopping, I wasted everything
I averted my eyes, to run away
Being shy, if only we could meet facing different ways
I believed in miracles

The cicada's cry, echoes long
Just like the song, will they die?
Tomorrow, if I disappear too, I wonder if I can live more properly?
Standing here, occasionally
It looks as though I lose conciousness

Cloudy Sky, don't cry
This is still my point of passage and
Cloudy Sky, don't cry
My heart is actually strong

To flow lightly/airily,
Somehow, it passes but
Honestly, I realised this emptiness a long time ago
Holding this wound, one more time, I strongly swear (oath)
I'll abandon myself

Cloudy Sky, don't cry
At least believe in your heart
Cloudy Sky, don't cry
There are people waiting

Swimming around within the deep sea
The audible voice of the water
Remembering, that rainy day
Even though it's this dark
There are two doors

Cloudy Sky, don't cry
This is still my point of passage and
Cloudy Sky, don't cry
My heart is actually strong (2x)

Stopping, I wasted everything
I averted my eyes, to run away
Being shy, if only we could meet facing different ways
I believed in miracles

"I hope you never love anyone as much as I love you."